Go Pistons!

I'm a car nut, pure and simple. At 3 years old, I could name every car on the street and tell you its model year. I still can, though as I get older, it's admittedly more difficult to distinguish between model years. But I know cars--especially Detroit iron from the 1960s and 70s. If one measures the loves of one's life by the hours spent dreaming about it, then Cars of this vintage are surely my great loves. This is why I'm pained to write that I see what others also see in the American cars produced today: they just ain't got it.

Take the 1965 Pontiac Bonneville. Sure, it was built on the same platform as its sister cars the Chevrolet Impala/Caprice and Buick LeSabre/Electra. But it was a heck of an exciting car--long and low, with truly distinctive styling and performance. The 2005 Bonneville, by contrast, is such a snoozer that it's now doomed for distinction, despite GM's attempt to drop in fast V8 engines, heads-up displays, and the like. Why? General Motors' design talent is still in the decades-long hibernation it entered in1977, or 1985, or 1993 or any of the other years that its cars kept getting uglier and uglier.

Or take the Camaro? Whoops, it's gone, too. Or the Mercury Cougar? D'oh, also gone. Jeez, does any popular nameplate remain from GM's heyday? Thunderbird! Sure, it's not dying until next year, but it's still here, so it's fair game. There's no arguing the car is a looker--that is, from 20 paces. Get closer to the interior and it's decidedly bargain basement. If you believe FoMoCo, the car wasn't supposed to have a long life; supposedly they knew it would only have a brief appeal for consumers. Thay What?! Could you imagine Mercedes introducing a new SL convertible with the expectation that it would disappear after a few years? If this is the sort of long-term thinking coming out of Dearborn, then maybe we need to reevaluate Ford's future.

I could go on and on, and so I shall for just a short bit. Chevrolet, for example, has a perfectly good new Malibu. Well, perfectly good as in "oatmeal is 'perfectly good' for you". Maybe. But does it make my mouth water, and my palms sweat? Um, not unless you consider the bile rising from my gut when I think about it. And the new Ford 500 and it's stablemate the "Freestyle"? If you want to ruin an exceptionally good Volvo platform, just ask the guys at Ford to top it with a bland shoebox. They'll be happy to oblige and they get their marketing department to pass it off as desireable. Shame on them. And Chrysler's no better (300C notwithstanding--we'll discuss that later). Their midsize offerings would embarrass even a Chinese automaker, if that were possible. And the Neon? Good grief. All the build quality of a '65 Rambler without the sexy looks.

This is not to say I disdain GM, Ford or even Chrysler. Nein! These companies have a storied history during much of the 20th century of helping to make America great. And this is why I believe they will rise again. How could I make such an assertion with so much evidence to the contrary? Let's face it, the Big Three suffers from more than a stable of boring product. They face costs for legacy pension and medical care promises accumulated when the fortunes of the American auto industry looked far different than today. These costs, in the many billions of dollars, have pundits actually talking about bankruptcy as a survival option for GM. Yes, GM. Is nothing sacred? Next thing you know, Germans are going to tell us how to bring back the glory days of American Iron. ....ahh, the Chrysler 300.

Here's a car so audacious that it has people flocking into the showrooms of the same company that brought us the K-Car. The 300 C is a big, fat, heavy, in-your-face sedan with "up-yours" looks and a Hemi-powered V8 to make it happen. And as unremarkable as its interior may be, it rides atop what is, at its core, componentry from a Mercedes Benz E Class. Add a feature that shuts down some of the eight cylinders at cruising speeds and you have a car that would make its competitors whince. If only it had any.

Yes, American car makers can not only survive, but thrive. But time's waisting, and they haven't a moment to lose. For Detroit not only to survive, but to thrive at the expense of Stuttgart and Tokyo, here's what they have to do:

Every car has to have 1) alluring interior and exterior design, 2) exceptional FPC (fuel economy, performance and crashworthiness), and 3) superior build quality. There is nothing--literally nothing--else buyers of any car are looking for. If every American car leaves it factory with passing grades in all three categories, Detroit would rise again. But here's the catch - these passing grades need to be for real. No more feeding us junky Tauruses, Impalas and Caravans and hope their cars will seem appealing by holding the camera at just such an angle...

Drive a Mercedes Benz. Or BMW. Or Lexus. Or Acura. Or Toyota. Or even a Scion, for Chrisakes, and you'll know what I mean. The country that defeated Hitler once and Saddam twice, and put men on the moon CAN DO THIS. We just have to try.